Tiny Thoughts Floating Around

destinymocksus:

Well, I don’t know where to start. But now that I’ve let the steam roll off my shoulders, I think it’s time I tell you how I feel, and hopefully my anger won’t overtake my words.

I miss you. I really do. But I think I miss the old you. Not this Kelsey who results to drinking all the time, and going to parties with 20+ year old guys. I miss the Kelsey who didn’t have the Tessa. Tessa’s not okay. She’ll be the reason you don’t have friends someday soon. She chases everyone off. She says things to try and make her sound tough, or cool, or whatever. But her words hurt. If not anybody else, they hurt me. You two have destroyed me. This fight between us has caused more stress than I’ve had in awhile. You, Tessa, and Ashton were the cause of my set back. I was doing so well. You knew I was. You saw that I was becoming happy. Was that not enough? Why is it that I’m wanting to delete you from my friends? Would it just be easier on me? I know you don’t care. You said it yourself. You have “bigger problems.” So then for our sake, focus on them. And leave everyone else out of it. 

You told me you dropped out of high school, only to start college next semester? Bull. Kelsey, you’re in all AP classes. You make A’s and B’s. You, out of all people, should then know, you need a GED to get into college. And to get a GED, you need to graduate high school. You’re trying to pull all this crap with me again, and I’m smarter than that. Yeah, I may be failing school right now. That’s only because I was in the hospital. It’s not because I’m stupid. If you think my parents should be mad about me failing, that’s sad. If that’s your way of saying I have a better life than you because my parents are okay with it, then you’ve been oblivious to the last three months. 

You have friends writing on your wall all the time asking if “the plans are still on for today” and “let’s hang out!” If I remember right, you got your car taken away. Oh wait, no you didn’t. You were lying. AGAIN. To try and make me feel bad. How would you get to and from work? Especially since you’re in a “battered woman’s home”? Kelsey, it doesn’t make sense. You didn’t think this through enough. If you’re trying to make me feel bad for you, I don’t. Just like you said you don’t care anymore, neither do I. You’ve ruined every chance for me to ever trust anyone, to ever have hope, and to ever truly care anymore. You have done so much damage. 

Even though you have done all this damage, for some damn reason, I miss you. And I’m angry that I do. You still are the best part of 2010 for me. Even though now you’ve made it into the top three worst things. I miss how we used to go on adventures together. Get lost in empty places and look at amazing mansions. I miss making plans and never doing them, but instead doing other things. I miss making food with you. I miss texting you and calling you all the time. I miss doing your hair, and you doing mine. I miss cuddling with you while you played with my hair, or massaging my back. I miss going to sonic with you, and finding new little towns to drive to and take pictures. You’ve set my standards for a best friend, and I thank you for that. 

But really Kelsey, if this is it, although I know I said sorry, I’m not. I have problems. More than you know. Not just the little, “oh he won’t pay attention to me,” or “yeah, she talked about me behind my back.” None of that stuff. More like something missing in my brain, that causes me not to be able to sleep, and causes me to tell myself that killing myself is the only way. It’s called depression. It’s a medical condition. It can’t be cured over night. Unlike you, I have to buy my own car. I don’t get two cars on a silver platter from my mom and dad like you did. I don’t have help with this car Kelsey. I’m on my own. I have to try and keep my job because I have to pay for my own phone bill, and I have to give the money to my dad every month. Unlike you, I don’t have all the time in the world. I can’t work and do school, and go to doctors appointments every week, and be okay every minute in between. If I haven’t already lost my job, I’m pretty close. Now think of how that will look on my resume, when people see that I quit my first job in three months, and couldn’t hold this one for even two months. I don’t have all the money in the world all the time like you. I have to help pay bills to try and keep the apartment we have. I constantly keep getting money taken from my account by mom without my permission. It’s not like I can get that 600 dollars back that I worked so fucking hard for. I can’t. I’m only down to twenty dollars Kelsey. Twenty fucking dollars. Guess where that is going? To my phone bill. How am I supposed to pay for a car so I can get to and from work and school and home, if I can never keep my money. I don’t have it easy. I HAVE REAL PROBLEMS. Don’t try to tell me how my life is. Because you don’t know any of it. You haven’t even chipped away at it. I don’t let people in as easy as I make it seem. Because if I did, they’d only want to run away. 

Take into consideration, you aren’t the only person in the world. Nothing revolves around you. And people do have feelings. I’m not sure I love you anymore. But you’ve made an impact in my life. Sadly, it’s not a good one. But I give you credit for it. I’m letting go from here Kels. If you want to come back, fine. But it’s not going to be easy. If I do let you back in, things are changing. 

I don’t hate you. I hate what you’ve done to me. 

(Source: destinymocksus)

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15 day Michael Bublé Challenge

Day 1: Why do you love Michael?
Day 2: What was the first song you heard from Michael?
Day 3: Favorite Michael album
Day 4: Favorite song of Michael’s
Day 5: Favorite picture of Michael
Day 6: Favorite photoshoot of Michael
Day 7: Favorite interview of Michael
Day 8: Favorite song from Michael Bublé and why
Day 9: Favorite song from It’s Time and why
Day 10: Favorite song from Call Me Irresponsible and why
Day 11: Favorite song from Crazy Love and why
Day 12: Favorite music video
Day 13: Favorite song performed live
Day 14: Three things you love most about Michael
Day 15: Write Michael a letter